What is Somatic Experiencing?

I practice Somatic Experiencing as a way to process distressing experiences. Somatic Experiencing is a type of therapy that involves bringing attention to your emotional and physical sensations. 

Somatic Experiencing was developed by trauma therapist, Peter Lavine, with the idea that animals naturally release trauma immediately after a near miss. For example, imagine an impala who is almost eaten by a leopard. The impala has a freeze response and plays dead until the leopard is scared away by hyenas. Once the danger has passed, the impala breathes really deeply and begins to shake before getting up and walking off unharmed. 

As a therapist who practices Somatic Experiencing my job is to help walk you through this trauma release process. You might not shake like the impala but the idea is to let the traumatic experience move through and out of your body. If we don’t, our bodies hold on to the trauma and it can show up in other ways like in chronic pain, stomach issues, and migraines. My job is also as a guide to help titrate the experience so that it is never too overwhelming for you or your nervous system. We don’t just focus on traumatic memories in Somatic Experiencing, we also want to resource with positive experiences too. 

I work a lot with the nervous system and helping you to be able to move towards more appropriate states of arousal. Vigilance, calm, and connection are all appropriate responses in different situations. For example, when you are in danger it is right for you to be looking out for yourself and to get to safety as soon as possible. If you were calm in those situations that would actually put you in great danger. Also, if you are hypervigilant even in situations where there is no immediate threat that is also a problem. We want appropriate responses to different situations so that we can stay safe, connect with others, and be able to think clearly enough to come up with solutions. 

Another element of Somatic Experiencing is curiously experimenting with different body postures or movements to assist in moving the trauma through the body. Your therapist might ask you “I wonder what it might be like to…” or “How would it feel to…” The only goal is to connect into your intuition and check in with your feelings and sensations in the moment. Maybe you notice that a particular thought pops into your head or something changes in your body - we’ll talk through that. 

If you’d like to check out Somatic Experiencing, schedule a free consultation and get started.

Nightmares and Disturbed Sleep

Trauma survivors often experience nightmares or periods of disturbed sleep. Nighttime in general can be a difficult experience for trauma survivors. It’s dark outside, things slow down, other people go to bed, and it is often quieter. This is particularly difficult if you are the type of person who stays busy to quiet down the loud thoughts in your head. When we turn down the noise of life, those thoughts and feelings are still there. If your trauma happened at nighttime this can also contribute to a sense of fear around this time as well.

When we don’t get adequate sleep, tiredness can negatively affect our mental health too. We might feel more depressed, experience low motivation, and managing negative self-talk is all the more difficult when our energy levels are down.

Here are some ways to deal with nightmares and overall improve sleep:

• Have a bedtime routine and rituals like putting away electronic devices, reading a book, turning down the lights, spraying lavender in your room or on your pillow, drinking herbal tea, etc. for a certain period of time before bed. Have regular times when you go to bed and when you wake up. 

• Invest in making sleep more comfortable in general by getting soft sheets, blankets, and a nice pillow or mattress. Maybe consider sleeping with a stuffed animal.

• Use a sensory kit for self-soothing and grounding if you wake up from a nightmare. This kit should include your favorite things that stimulate each of the senses. For example, you might collect peppermint essential oil for scent, chapstick for taste, a smooth stone for touch, calming music for sound, and a photo of a beloved person or pet for sight. You may also want anchors to the present readily available in your bedroom like a clock with the date and time, recent photos of yourself, a current calendar, etc. 

• Sleepphones makes headband headphones specifically for going to sleep. Play soothing music, nature sounds, or guided meditations for falling (back) asleep. I have had periods of my life where I play a playlist on repeat throughout the night to help me fall asleep and self-soothe if I wake up in the middle of the night. 

• Place a nightlight or other lamp in the room for if you wake up from a nightmare. 

• Practice self-soothing and grounding activities during waking hours so that they are second nature when half-asleep at night. 

Comparison, Perfectionism, Self-Criticism, and Self-Compassion

Comparison is a normal and natural way that we learned to gage success when we were growing up and other people achieved developmental milestones at the same time. We all generally started walking, talking, went to school, progressed to higher grades in school, hit puberty, started dating and being interested in others sexually/romantically, etc. at the same time as other people of the same age.

Perhaps we evolved to use comparison when fitting in with and being accepted by the community meant personal survival. If we were comparable with someone else, we were less likely to be shunned, cast out of the community, and die.   

Today, when we compare ourselves to others, we are often comparing the Instagram highlight reel of someone else’s life with the worst moments of our own lives. When we are self-critical, we only take into account our failings and not the challenges and obstacles we have faced, our strengths, or our achievements and victories along the way. In short, when we are comparing, we are not looking at the big picture or even the truth of the matter. 

We often compare for the same reasons we seek perfection - to avoid pain and gain love, acceptance, and a sense of self-worth. Perfectionism is often a protective mechanism. We think that if we can be perfect and not make mistakes, we can avoid the pain of being imperfect human beings. We think that external achievements (weight, grades, scores, awards, compliments, etc.) will prove that we are ok, lovable, and worthy. Sadly, often these external achievements are never enough and we have to keep pursuing more and more. If we live by the belief that we must be perfect to be worthy, we will inevitably fail because humans are imperfect individuals. 

Carl Rogers said that, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” We often think that we have to beat ourselves into submission and be self-critical to change. The reality is that self-criticism keeps us stuck in shame. Self-compassion enables us to change.

There has been quite a bit of research done on self-compassion in recent years. We’ve found that shame and self-criticism inhibits activity in our prefrontal cortex and lights up our amygdala, which reduces our capacity to pay attention, increases impulsive behaviors, and increases despair and anxiety. On the flip side, self-compassion increases our emotional resilience, psychological wellbeing, and heartrate variability (indicator of health). Self-compassion also decreases anxiety, depression, and cortisol (Neff, 2011). Again, shame and self-criticism keeps us stuck. Self-acceptance and self-compassion gives us the mental clarity and curiosity to move forward and make positive changes. 

Self-compassion involves three things: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness is just as it sounds - to be kind, gentle, warm, and understanding towards ourselves, particularly when we experience difficult feelings of pain, heartache, inadequacy, shame, or failure. 

Common humanity is really recognizing and reminding ourselves that painful emotions of inadequacy and shame are part of the human experience. We all experience these feelings from time to time and therefore we are not alone. 

Mindfulness is really noticing and becoming aware of our emotional experience with curiosity and without judgement. 

References:

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. United Kingdom: HarperCollins e-books.

Eating Disorder Recovery

People often think of Anorexia Nervosa when they think of eating disorders. Anorexia has been recognized the longest and is the most featured (and even glamorized) eating disorder in the media, but there are actually many different eating disorders and each eating disorder shows up differently. Anorexia looks different from Binge Eating and Bulimia looks different from Orthorexia. The specific behaviors may be just as different as the motivation for each behavior. Just as specific eating disorders show up differently, the process in moving toward recovery looks slightly (and sometimes vastly) different depending on your specific eating disorder. This is why comparison really doesn’t work. We would be comparing apples to oranges (or Mastiffs to Poodles) if we were to try to compare any of our struggles in our bodies.

That said, the end goal in recovery from all eating disorders is health - a healthy relationship with food and the body. We have to stop seeking arbitrary numbers on a scale to define our worth and value. Instead, we affirm the intrinsic value and beauty within ourselves that is unrelated to how we look. 

Eating disorder recovery involves learning to radically accept the difficult truth that health in our body often means a bigger size than we would like. We learn to radically accept our body as it is, right now, without seeking to change our body. The reality is that our bodies naturally change throughout our lifespan, and we have to continually learn to accept and maybe even love our body again in its current form. 

In moving towards acceptance, we restore care for and nurturance of our body. We might not feel like we deserve that kind of care (as eating disorders are often connected with self-loathing, self-punishment, and shame), but when we act out of faith in our inherent worth, our mind and self-belief follows. We care for our body in many ways, including giving it adequate nutrition, sleep, and mindful movement.

In recovery, we also have to learn that restriction of any kind - only eating certain amounts, certain foods, at times of the day - often leads to binging behaviors. Why? Because we are biologically wired to survive famine. When our bodies don’t have enough food to sustain us, they go into survival mode, and will seek to get more the next time food rolls around. Dieting also has a short term effect of losing weight, but long term research shows that we will gain the weight back and potentially more. If we want to feel less crazy around food, we have to give ourselves unconditional permission to eat what we want when we are hungry and stop when we are full. We can do this knowing that more food will be there whenever we get hungry again. 

Eating disorder recovery is also not linear. It’s not perfect. In fact, it’s about letting go of perfection and seeing the beauty in embracing our imperfect humanity. We will likely make mistakes along the way in the recovery process and we recognize that that is going to happen. We avoid beating ourselves up when we fall off the bandwagon because shame keeps us stuck. Instead, we return to acceptance and self-compassion as we continue the journey towards recovery.

What do I do when negative thoughts and feelings creep in?

Many of my clients have a fear of negative thoughts and feelings creeping in, wreaking havoc, keeping them stuck in depression and unhealthy behaviors. These thoughts and emotions are also painful and uncomfortable and often the response we want to have is to push them away or numb them out of our lives. The only issue is that when we push them away or try to numb them away, these thoughts and feelings have a tendency to only get stronger. So how do we deal with these thoughts and feelings?

Well, first of all, I don’t completely like the work “negative” when applied to thoughts and feelings. Putting the label of “negative” on these thoughts and feelings has a tendency to lead to judgement for ourselves for going to that “negative” place or for not controlling our thoughts better. All thoughts and feelings are information. They tell us what is going on for us and what is important to us. We don’t have to act on this information, but we do have to pay attention without judgement. 

We can’t control our thoughts and feelings. What we can control is whether or not we ruminate on and invest in those thoughts and feelings. This is the idea in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT called thought diffusion. When we fuse with our thoughts and feelings we over identify with them, we buy into them, we believe them, we ruminate on them, we use them to beat ourselves up. Overall, when we fuse with these thoughts and feelings, we tend to get stuck and continue to react with unhealthy behaviors. 

Instead, to diffuse our thoughts and feelings, we first notice that we are having a thought or feeling. For example, you might have a thought that, “I am not good enough.” Notice that you are having the thought, choose to avoid judging yourself for having that thought, and separate your own identity from the thought. 

Some helpful ways to do this or diffusion techniques are to thank your mind for the thought, to see your mind as a separate entity, or perhaps to see your mind as a phone/computer with random pop-up messages. For example, maybe you say something like, “There goes my mind again,” or, “Thank you mind for that thought.” You might also imagine your core identity or Self driving a bus and all of these thoughts and feelings are nasty passengers on the bus. If you wrestle or argue with these passengers they get bigger and more demanding. You have to coexist with them on the bus, but will you allow them to dictate where you go?

It is important to point out that “not being good enough” is not something that can be proven as true. Maybe you can prove that this one time you weren’t “good enough” but that does not mean that you as a person are not “good enough.” Again, though, you would not be any less for having this thought. It is important not to judge yourself for having this thought. Your only job is to try to avoid hanging on the thought, over identifying with the thought, or taking the thought at its word. 

I also find it helpful to apply some self-compassion at this point. For example, making sure to give yourself some credit for how far you have come, the struggles that you have faced along the way, and how much you are currently dealing with in your life/schedule. 

We often set high expectations of ourselves and beat ourselves up for not meeting those expectations because we are comparing ourselves with others, not taking into account the full picture, and not giving ourselves credit for the obstacles that we (and everyone else) have to face. We compare our lives with other people’s Instagram profiles, even though we know these posts can be staged and only show the highlights of a person’s life. Someone’s Instagram profile doesn’t show the full picture of their life. In the same way, your lowest moments do not fully define you. They are like one small piece of the frame that we can choose to zoom in on but then we wouldn’t see the full picture.  

Find your ally and your safe place

I often ask my clients to develop a connection with their allies and safe places to help bring grounding and containment when life gets rocky and you start to feel flooded. These two resources can help bring calm and self-soothing in intensely emotional times when you become triggered or are experiencing flashbacks. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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Maybe your ally is a superhero like Wonder Woman, Oprah Winfrey, a tiger that will fight for you but also cuddle you when you need comfort, or some real or imaginary figure who you can imagine fighting for you when you need to find that courage and strength somewhere inside of yourself. Imagine your ally coming to your rescue in times of distress. 

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Maybe your calm, safe place is the beach, the mountains, or your grandmother's house. It just needs to be a place where you associate calmness, peace, and safety. Consider all of your senses and what it would feel like to actually be in this place. Notice how you feel after really imagining this safe place. 

Who is your ally and where is your safe place?

Dealing with the Inner Critic

We often think that criticising ourselves will protect us from further pain and hurt. The reasoning goes that by beating ourselves up, maybe we can beat ourselves into submission and stop certain behaviors. While this type of negative self-talk might work in the short term, it generally does not lead to long term results. Why? Self-criticism keeps us trapped in shame. Shame tells us that we are defined by what we do. It’s harder to break out of a behavior when the behavior is who we are.  

By contrast, self-compassion enables us to change. Many people balk at the idea of compassion enabling us to change, because they equate self-compassion with denial of wrongs. The opposite is actually true - we can only have compassion on ourselves when we fully see ourselves for all that we are. That’s why I like the word self-acceptance in conjunction with self-compassion. We take into account both the light and the dark, the good and the bad, all parts of ourselves. We choose to lean into our failings with a softness and grace in the same way that we would tend to an open wound. We care for the hurt that exists in the dark and guilty parts of ourselves. This acceptance and care breaks us out of the paralyzing shame so that we can move forward. 

The trouble is that for many of us, our inner critic is so much a part of our being that we may struggle to recognize this critical voice within us. It may be helpful here to keep a journal to literally take note of when the inner critic shows up, what specifically it is saying, and in what tone of voice it is speaking these words in. Then, consider if the inner critic reminds you of anyone in your past. We often take on early caregivers' shaming voices. Now, approach your inner critic with compassion and empathy. Try saying, "I know you are scared and trying to protect me. Would you be willing to step aside so that I can hear from my compassionate side for a minute?" Next, reframe the words of your inner critic in a more compassionate way. If you're stuck, consider what the most compassionate person you can imagine, a good friend, or kind mother would say to you. 

Surviving the Holidays After a Divorce

I remember telling a friend the first holiday season of my separation, “I wish I could literally go to sleep and wake up in January.” The prospect of having to go through the holiday season alone for the first time was terrifyingly overwhelming. All of the co-workers and acquaintances casually asking, “What are you doing for the holidays?” All of the societal expectations for a happy and full holiday season. All of the silence and loneliness. All of the grief when I think about holidays of the past. That first year I coped by traveling on Christmas day - simultaneously keeping myself busy and pretending it was just another day. The process has certainly gotten easier over the years, but I am still walking this road, especially during this year of COVID. Yet, I have learned a few things along the way. Here a few tips to help smooth your path towards surviving the holidays after a divorce:

• Do what you need to find comfort: It is okay to check out and binge watch that show for a while. But also make time to feel your feelings. Cry and let out all the deep feelings of grief over the end of your marriage and all the other endings that this year brought you. Read and be creative. Practice Hygge to bring more light into this dark season. 
  

• Start your own traditions apart from your ex: Consider and discover what would be meaningful for you. This may include spending time with your chosen family and friends. Instituting a new tradition of making cookies or going to the movies can help you make the holidays your own and bring back some of the joy of the season.
  

• Double up on Self-Care: Find ways to continue to move your body and exercise. This will help you move through some of the stress of the season a little better. Self-care may also include reaching out to family, friends, and your therapist as needed and as you are able. You don’t have to completely isolate yourself. Connection can happen via phone, text, or Zoom even during a pandemic. 
  

• Find Ways to Nurture Hope: Endings are beginnings too. Death can be a birth and births have deaths in them. Funerals lead to new things. Yes, I am speaking very metaphorically, but you can’t deny that you just experienced the death of your marriage. Now what? What new life could spring from this? I know it is hard to see much of a future right now, but all I am asking is that you keep your heart open that things might get better, that you will get through this, and you will find happiness and wholeness again. One great way to nurture hope are to read or listen to the stories of people who went through hard times (double points for divorces) and came out stronger on the other side. If you are spiritual or religious, you might lean into practices around this season to nurture hope as well. 

What is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a treatment developed by Francine Shapiro in 1989. EMDR is a way to help your brain re-organize difficult or painful memories. Research has shown that EMDR helps lessen emotional and physiological distress, and EMDR helps turn negative beliefs to more authentically positive thoughts and beliefs. 

I find EMDR similar to meditation or mindful awareness. In a reprocessing session, you will focus on a happy or distressing memory while either watching flashes of light, watching your therapist move her fingers back and forth, holding onto a small tapping device, or tapping yourself on alternating sides of your body. This works to help stimulate both sides of your brain in reprocessing the memory. Your therapist will also stop at different points to ask you some questions about what you are noticing about the memory, and what you are feeling in your body to help check in with how the process is going for you.

We can use EMDR to help with many different types of experiences including anxiety, depression, divorce, abuse, car accidents, addiction, or just feeling stuck. 

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse

It is common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to repress memories of the abuse until later in life. When these memories do resurface, it can be extremely unsettling and upend the years you forgot in order to cope. The life you thought you had up until this point was not what it seemed. Not only that, but something horrific happened. The knowledge of what happened and the shame connected with the abuse can feel almost unbearable, leading to spiraling into destructive coping mechanisms like disordered eating, addiction, and self harm.

Here I want to share just some of the wonderful healing tools out there that may be helpful at different points in your healing journey. Healing does not happen overnight - no matter how hard you work on your recovery, you cannot fast track it. You can’t push healing. Another analogy is a cut, a flesh wound. Thinking really hard or working really hard will not make the cut heal faster. However, if you treat your cut right - clean it, put antiseptic and a bandaid on it - your body already knows how and will heal it with time. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Maybe you might be ready for some of these healing tools now and others you can try out later. Be gentle with yourself. 

• Therapy. It is important for survivors to be in individual therapy, particularly early in recovery. Inpatient or outpatient treatment for addiction or disordered eating may also be needed. Therapy might include regular talk therapy or other methods like Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family Systems, Eye Movement Desensitization, or Neurofeedback.  

• Courage to Heal. When working with a counselor or on your own, consider using the Courage to Heal book and workbook. This is an excellent resource that was developed specifically for survivors of childhood sexual abuse and covers topics such as dealing wtih difficult family relationships, coping skills, telling your story, and much more.

• Spirituality. I really believe that healing is a spiritual process, regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof. There is something mysterious and miraculous about healing. You won’t wake up one day and suddenly be healed, but you might look back and realize you are absolutely not where you used to be. Particularly when dealing with deep trauma recovery, like childhood sexual abuse, finding meaning and discovering the gifts even in the pain is an important part of the process. Connecting with spirituality, in whatever way you do that, can not only help you cope with pain and difficulty, but spirituality can also help you tap into meaning making. 

• Support groups. Because the trauma happened in a relationship, your healing also has to happen in healthy relationships with other people. Yes, going to individual therapy is part of this, but nothing can compare to spending time with people who intimately understand what you are going through because they are where you are. If you are on the front range of Colorado, I highly recommend getting involved in a WINGS Foundation support group so that you can heal alongside other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. 

• Yoga. Because the trauma happened in the body, many survivors become very disconnected from their body and may even have a hostile relationship with their body. An important part of healing from childhood sexual abuse is learning to connect with and feel safe in your body again. Yoga and other types of mindful movement can be invaluable in this process of coming home to your body. 

• Massage/Bodywork. Similarly to yoga, trauma-informed massage or other types of bodywork can really assist in connecting with your body and creating safe spaces for your body to heal. 

• Art/Journaling. Writing and art can be an incredible way to externalize your pain in a way that is more manageable. It can also help you think through and process what happened and what you are currently going through from an objective viewpoint. You might consider writing a letter to your perpetrator or to your younger self. You don’t necessarily need to send the letter, just write to get out all the stuff in your mind and heart that you need to say to this person. Maybe write the story of your abuse and your healing. Similarly to journaling, you can also draw, paint, or collage your story or your emotions. 

While healing from sexual abuse is a long journey and the battle is certainly not won overnight, growth and recovery are absolutely possible. You can not only cope with the negative impacts on your life, but you can move forward as a stronger, more amazing person. I have witnessed it over and over again.

Braving the Holidays as a Trauma Survivor

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can often prove difficult for many people. Yet, the holidays can be particularly stressful for survivors of trauma. 

For survivors of childhood physical or sexual abuse, the holidays may have been particularly wrought with pain due to the closeness of abusive family members, increase in tension, and drug and alcohol use. Maybe the abuse happened all year long, but the holidays are particularly memorable. For others, there may have been a traumatic loss that occurred around the holidays, and forever tinged this time of year with negative emotions. For these survivors, the holidays represent anniversaries of traumatic events. 

Even for others whose trauma did not happen around the holidays, they may see dysfunctional and unsupportive family members, whom they do not often encounter at other times of the year. This experience may be exacerbated by societal expectations about spending extra time at family parties/functions during the holiday season.

Often, for survivors of trauma there is a dissonance between the societal expectations of joy and togetherness (“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”) and the past experiences that inextricably connect these very same songs, sights, and smells with terror, violence, and abuse. 

Many trauma survivors experience grief during the holiday season – the grief of not having the family or childhood they should have had or want to have now. This grief may show up in a variety of ways, including in feelings of shame, anger, jealousy, or sadness.

If you are a trauma survivor, here are some tips for coping with the holiday hustle and bustle:

• Allow yourself to grieve the losses that your trauma has brought you. Allow some time this season for your emotions to bubble up to the surface and be fully experienced. Any and all emotions are acceptable. Maybe you are angry that you did not have the childhood that you should have had. Find safe and healthy ways of moving through that anger, such as kickboxing, ripping up unwanted paperback books, punching pillows, or burning or throwing things in a contained environment. Maybe you are incredibly sad because you lost someone in a traumatic way around this time of year. Allow yourself to cry and make space for the sadness. Maybe put on a sad film to allow the tears to flow more freely. Whatever emotions are coming up for you, allow yourself the space and time to fully experience them.

• Have boundaries with family or avoid family altogether. As a reminder, it’s more than okay to enact boundaries with toxic family members in order to maintain your own equanimity. These boundaries may look like limiting the time you spend with certain family members. It may also look like limiting the type of topics that may be discussed. Maybe being intentional about protecting your emotional boundaries is most important. Focus on regularly grounding yourself. Maybe visualize a physical bubble, armor, or wall protecting you from the fiery arrows of cutting remarks. Some trauma survivors, especially those whose trauma happened within the family unit, decide that they cannot remain in contact with their family of origin in order to maintain their own safety and sanity. For these trauma survivors, I recommend creating an intentional and chosen family with your partner and/or friends. Friendsgiving is a wonderful thing and can help you keep more of your joy this season.

• Create your own holiday traditions that are meaningful to you. Similarly, It can be very helpful to begin new traditions that are not related to your trauma. For example, instituting a new tradition of making cookies or going to the movies can help you make the holidays your own and bring back some of the joy of the season.

• Double up on self-care. Taking care of your body, mind, and soul is all the more important under the stress of the holidays. Remember to take breaks. You can’t do trauma work 24/7. It is completely normal and necessary to be able to contain and put away the trauma processing every once in a while. This might look different for different people, but the idea is to allow yourself some space to recoup this season. For example, some people may take regular walks or listen to non-holiday music or watch some Netflix. You have permission to stay home instead of going to another holiday party. Make an appointment with your therapist. Reach out to friends for support. Do something really kind for yourself. If finances allow, maybe buy yourself a special gift. Take a luxurious bubble bath. Regular exercise and eating nourishing foods can also help give your body and your mind what it needs to face the additional stress this time of year. 

The holidays can be a difficult time of year. Be gentle with yourself, especially if you are a trauma survivor. Trauma often teaches us intense shame. Sometimes when we are triggered and suffering, we can turn on ourselves because we think we deserve to hurt. Instead of taking part in negative self-talk or self-harm, experiment with softening toward yourself in self-compassion. Just acknowledging to ourselves, “There is a part of me that is really hurting right now,” can be enough to move us towards a more loving stance. Take care of yourself and practice the tips above to help keep you grounded over the holidays. You may even discover some fresh joy this season.

I don’t have real trauma.

Trigger Warning: Please take care of yourself and don't read this if you are not in a good place. ⁠

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I used to think I needed to have witnessed something catastrophic - combat, rape, murder, domestic violence - for my experiences to qualify as real trauma. I thought, "My stuff isn't that bad and besides I can handle it on my own." My body quickly challenged that assumption with uncontrollable shaking and paralysis when in certain situations that resembled where my trauma took place. ⁠I started avoiding places where that fear would bubble up to the surface. I knew I needed the help of a counselor.

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Fast forward to grad school when I learned more about trauma. Researcher and psychotherapist, Kristi Kanel PhD, states that, "Perhaps the most important aspect of a crisis is how the person perceives the situation." I read that line and alarm bells went off in my head. 

It's not the event itself, but rather, what the event meant to the person (and how the person is affected) that defines trauma. Two people could go through the same event and be affected completely differently. If you perceived an event as threatening your life in some way - regardless of what type of event - that can be classified as trauma. 

Much of my work as a counselor is helping to validate people’s emotions and experience. As with other things, comparing traumas does nothing for us. It’s not helpful or even accurate to look at someone else’s trauma and conclude that your experience wasn’t as “bad.” 

Whether you experienced emotional abuse from a parent you were in a severe car accident, if it was bad enough to adversely affect you psychologically, then it was trauma. If it was traumatic for you, then it was traumatic for you period.

Anxiety and Depression

Life is tough. It can knock us down, and leave us feeling overwhelmed or stuck. Many of us have been through unimaginable things, and we are just trying to cope in whatever way we can. In the shame cycle, we can turn on ourselves and get stuck in harmful patterns that only hurt us more. 

Maybe you don’t completely understand why you’re so sad. Or maybe there is something that happened - a life transition or some other event - that you can point to for why you are experiencing this depression and anxiety right now. Still, you are deep in the trenches. The worry that, “there is no way out of this,” keeps you up at night and the days are a struggle between fear, exhaustion, and lack of motivation. Worst of all, you feel alone in your struggles. No one else seems to have these issues. “Am I crazy?” you ask yourself. 

Depression and Anxiety are super common. 

Anxiety is the most common mental health concern in the US. 40 million adults or 18% of Americans live with some form of anxiety disorder. 15.7 million adults have experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. It is very common for people to experience both anxiety and depression. Yet, less than half of those living with anxiety and depression receive treatment largely because of the stigma and the belief that they should be able to handle it on their own.  

In fact, often the symptoms of anxiety and depression themselves can keep people from getting the help they need. Lack of motivation, hopeless outlook, and fear about the logistics, paying for therapy, and being shamed and judged by others can all be exasperated by the symptoms of anxiety and depression. When we are in that frame of mind, we can see the risks of seeking help as far greater than they actually are. Don’t get me wrong - it is super vulnerable to share with someone that you are struggling when there is still a stigma attached to having mental illness. The problem is that often pushing down and ignoring these issues can actually increase symptoms. 

There is Hope

Psychotherapy has been proven to be an effective treatment for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Research shows that therapy can work better and more long-term than medication alone, leading to fewer recurrences of anxiety and depression. With help and support, you will experience deeper awareness, breakthroughs in understanding, and discover the joy in the midst of the pain.

I have been working with clients for two and a half years leading support groups for adult survivors of sexual abuse, at an addiction recovery center, and seeing individual clients at an affordable counseling center as well as in private practice. I have successfully treated dozens of clients experiencing anxiety, depression, life transitions, and PTSD. My therapy sessions typically last 50 minutes. In an average therapy session, we will talk through what is going on in your life, with a particular focus on what is most pressing or distressing for you right now. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself talk to gain insight into where you are and what you need. Having an outside perspective can be helpful in allowing you to see yourself more clearly. 

Dealing with Toxic People

What makes a person toxic? If there is a question of whether or not someone you know is toxic, I recommend that you consider what you experience in your body and emotions when you are around that person. Do you experience emotions and sensations that could not be explained by the interaction itself or by a triggering of past events? Confusion. Fear. A desire to cower in a corner somewhere? From bosses to partners to parents, at some point in our lives, we all come into contact with toxic people. These encounters are often like walking through landmines and sometimes it is not possible to completely cut these people out of our lives. So how do you deal with the toxic people in your life? Here are some tips:

• Emotional Awareness. Similarly to what I said about how to tell if someone is toxic, pay careful attention to your emotional and bodily experience when you are around that person. Toxic people can sometimes make you feel absolutely crazy and it is important to ground yourself to avoid getting sucked to their toxic vortex. Ground yourself in who you are and the reality of the situation and not what they are making it out to be. Sometimes it is also helpful to run it by a trusted friend to help you see the situation more objectively. 

• Boundaries. It is important to set limits and boundaries with toxic people. What specific boundaries you set will depend on the relationship and what is most important for you to feel safe. Some examples might be limiting the amount of time that you spend with that particular person, when and where you interact with this person, or the topic of conversation. Sometimes limiting certain aspects of the relationship can help control the chaos. You may also want to set emotional boundaries. For this, it can be helpful to visualize a physical barrier between you and this person or armor that protects you from their painful words. 

• Pick your Battles Wisely. Because of the volatility of conversations with toxic people, it is best to avoid poking the bear except when absolutely necessary. You don’t want to wear yourself out or “die on that mountain” when the issue in question is not a priority to you. Think carefully about and plan confrontations with toxic people in your life. This is another reason why it may be helpful to have a trusted friend or therapist to help you consider your priorities and make a plan of action.

Healing After Divorce

If you’re here, the odds are that you went through a divorce recently. Divorce is awful, regardless of the circumstances. You are likely in excruciating pain, and are looking for relief and healing. Maybe there is also a part of you that knows the truth that we often grow the most through difficult experiences. You’re here to make sure you learn the lesson that your divorce has to teach you, so that you can become a stronger, healthier you in the process. Whatever your reasons for reading this post right now, please know this: healing and thriving post-divorce is absolutely possible. Here are some ways to help facilitate the healing process:

• Make space for grief. Give yourself permission to feel all the feels. Again, regardless of the circumstances surrounding your divorce, there are losses. There may be lost dreams of spending the rest of your life with one person. There may be lost economic resources. There may be a loss of lifestyle and a certain routine. And there may also be simple losses like the loss of having someone sleeping next to you. Whatever the losses, make space for yourself to fully grieve them. This may look like allowing yourself to cry whenever you start to experience sadness or this might look like scheduling time to journal your feelings. 

• Allow yourself time to take breaks. You have permission to binge watch TV shows, but go for comedy instead of romance. Sometimes we need some distance from our pain in order to heal. Just make sure to also make space and time for grieving. 

• Self-care. Be sure to regularly engage in activities that bring you joy and pleasure. This might look like getting a massage, taking a hot bath, reading a book, or going hiking. You might not feel radically better right away, but keep it up! Healing will not come overnight, but self-care is an important part of long term healing and growth. 

• Exercise regularly. This is also self-care but I am including it separately because exercise is so very important. Exercise releases endorphins, and has been shown to be one of the most effective ways to move through the stress cycle. It can also naturally aid depression and anxiety symptoms which are common after a divorce.

• Rediscover who you are by looking back at who you were before the relationship and trying new things. Often after being in a long term relationship, we can forget who we were outside of that relationship. It’s important to rediscover and redefine who you are now. The best way to do this is to reflect on who you were before the relationship. Look at old pictures or journals. Talk to friends and family who knew you then. You might also try some new activities or take up things you used to do before to see if they resonate with who you are now. 

• Seek out friendship. It can be easy to feel lonely after a divorce. To help with this, seek out friendship with others. Rekindle friendships from the past or find new friends. Go to Meetup groups and other events. 

• Talk to a counselor or find a support group. Having a professional or other people who understand what you are going through can be extremely helpful in moving through divorce and becoming a happier, healthier self on the other side. 

Here are a few things to avoid as they might hinder your healing:

• Don’t compare yourself to others, and especially not your ex. Everyone goes through their own process after a relationship ends and you need to go through yours. Often people look at their exes and it seems like their ex is doing much better than they are. You have no idea how that person is really doing and knowing would not be helpful anyway. Focus on your own healing. 

• Don’t jump back into dating right away. It is important that you take the time that you need to fully heal before getting back in another relationship. You need time to do you and rediscover who you are. This will set you up to be healthier once you do get back into that next relationship. 

A Guide to Stress Relief

When you’re stressed, you don’t have time for bubble baths and facials, which don’t even cut it anyway. That’s why I carefully created this list of totally-doable ways to reduce stress and anxiety.  Not only are the things on this list doable, they are also evidence-based. Whether you are having an all out panic attack or just experiencing increased anxiety, these methods work fast to soothe and calm. 

Nourishment:  I hit this one hard in this guide, because I really believe nutrition is one of the most potent ways to shift your mood. Now, I know that it is also hardest to eat healthy when you’re stressed. I encourage you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself knowing that eating a burger and fries every once in a while is not the worst thing ever. At the same time, it is true that what you eat directly affects how you feel, your response to stress, and brain function. Try to eat foods that are going to nourish and lift your spirits, and if necessary take a supplement to make sure you are getting the nutrients you need.  The following nutrients are particularly potent for stress support:  

Omega-3’s: The consumption of omega-3 fatty acids has been connected with reduced inflammation, anxiety, and depression. Get your omega-3’s by eating fish, avocados, seeds, and nuts or take a daily fish oil supplement. 

Probiotics: Probiotics have been used in medicine for thousands of years. However, an increased interest in gut health has really boomed in recent years. Early research has shown that mice without probiotics in their systems had reduced sociality and heightened caution. Conversely, mice treated with probiotics had improved mood and reduced anxiety behaviors. Take a daily probiotic supplement and seek out fermented foods like sauerkraut, kimchi, and kombucha. 

B Vitamins: These nutrients have shown promising results in reducing stress, particularly when multiple B vitamins are taken together. Eat your B vitamins in whole grains, meat, eggs, dairy products, legumes, seeds, nuts, dark green leafy vegetables, avocados, and fruit. You can also get them in a daily vitamin. 

Ashwagandha: Multiple studies have shown that the Ayurvedic herb, Ashwagandha, is effective in treating stress and anxiety. One study in particular demonstrated that human subjects treated with Ashwagandha experienced lower anxiety levels than a placebo. Ashwagandha can be taken via tea or daily supplement. 

Tea: Tea has long been known to improve mood and focus, particularly caffeinated tea. Because it contains lower doses of caffeine than coffee, tea still contains the positive benefits of caffeine without the jitteriness. Research into the effects of tea on mental health is only just beginning, but early studies show promising results.  In one study, black tea drinkers were found to have lower levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, even after performing a stressful task. 

LMAO: Spontaneous laughter is known to improve mood, depression, anxiety, and stress. In one early study, subjects were tested for the stress-hormone cortisol before and after watching an hour-long comedy video or waiting an hour. Those who watched the video had significant reductions of cortisol after watching. When you are stressed, it’s helpful to periodically lighten the mood by looking for humor in the small things. You can also watch stand-up comedy or a funny movie to induce a laugh. 

Move yo body: Regular exercise has been connected with a lower incidence of mood and anxiety disorders. In addition, one study showed that regular exercisers had a lower heart rate and a more positive outlook than sedentary individuals when faced with a stressful task. Exercise is also incredibly flexible. You can go for a stroll with your kids or even on your lunch break. You can do some yoga while the baby is down for a nap. All it takes is at least 20 minutes of movement to make a difference in your mood. 

Spend time with a furry friend: Being in the presence of a cat, dog, or other pet has been shown to decrease cortisol in stressful situations. In addition, many other studies have shown that spending even 10 minutes with a therapy dog is enough to reduce blood pressure and cortisol, which are both characteristics of the stress response. If you don’t have a pet to spend time with, many pet stores and animal rescues allow pet time for free. Also, many counselors have therapy dogs. If it’s important to you, seek out a therapist that does animal assisted therapy. 

Stimulate the Vagus Nerve: This is sciency. Just go with me here. The vagus nerve is a “wandering” nerve that gathers information from the heart, pancreas, spleen, etc. and contains parasympathetic fibers. The parasympathetic nervous system plays an important part in slowing our stress response and stimulating bowel function (we literally stop digestion when we are in fight-or-flight mode). Doing things that stimulate the vagus nerve (like chewing gum, diaphramic breathing, singing, humming, and laughing) assists in telling your body that you are safe and can relax. 

Delegate and Assert boundaries: Sometimes we experience stress because we are literally taking on more than we can handle. It is good self-care to recognize our own limits and ask for help when needed rather than stressing ourselves out trying to do it all on our own. Similarly, having someone walk all over us can stress us out. Big emotions like anger can be a sign that more firm boundaries need to be put into place.  The process of asserting boundaries may be scary at first, but in the long run it will reduce the overwhelm. 

Music: Listening to music has been proven to reduce symptoms of anxiety, stress, and anger, and to induce relaxation. What we listen to matters though - heavy metal has been shown to have the opposite effect on our mood. The beautiful thing about music as a coping skill is that it’s very portable - you can listen almost anywhere on your phone via headphones and you can listen while driving or working if you need to. Listen to music that is soothing to you and find that inner calm. 

Nature: Speaking of music, listening to nature sounds have also proven to be helpful in reducing stress symptoms. Most of the research out there on the impacts of nature on the psyche has focused on sight - seeing grass, trees, mountains, beach, animals, etc. Even viewing pictures of nature or looking through the window at natural sights is enough to improve your health and mood. However, we all know just looking at pictures or listening to nature sounds does not completely compare to the whole experience of actually being in nature. Spending time in nature does not have to involve a large amount of time either. As little as 10-50 minutes in a garden, park, or other outdoor space has been shown to make a positive impact in mood, focus, blood pressure, and heart rate. Find a way to experience nature on a regular basis for the purpose of calming and grounding.

Reach out: Healthy relationships have been shown to be protective factors against common mental health problems, including anxiety, stress, and depression. Sometimes talking through our stress and anxiety with a trusted person is just what we need to help us feel better. Reach  out to a friend or therapist for support. 

Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. For a consultation appointment, go here.